Two Years of Darkness
by The Sorrows of Arlathan
Summary: Everything had changed. Two years was a long time to be gone. Everyone had moved on. Everyone except Shepard. Femslash/M rated/FemShep/Liara romance.


___Ok this is my first attempt at a Mass Effect story. I have only recently gotten into the games and wanted to try my hand at writing for other Bioware characters rather than just Dragon Age. As usual the female characters seem to have more of an effect than the male characters do. Idk why lol So here goes. Reviews would be appreciated :) hope you enjoy!_

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Commander Shepard stared into the mirror in her private bathroom, examining the numerous scars on her face and neck which the Lazarus Project had inflicted on her. Some of them were beginning to split, showing signs of the synthetic implants underneath, and the orange glow coming from behind her once bright green eyes made her feel anything but human at the moment. Cerberus might have tried to bring her back exactly as she was before she had died, but even after the billions of credits they spent on reconstructing her body she didn't feel anything like the woman she had been before. There were a few "upgrades" she still needed to get used to and the Commander was also having a bit of discomfort walking. No one had mentioned it yet but Shepard was sure they had noticed her limping from time to time. It was hard to miss. That, plus the stiffness she occasionally felt in her right shoulder caused her stride to become burdened and strenuous. Only when she was alone and away from the prying eyes of her crew would she allowed herself to buckle under the strain, lying face down on her bed in her quarters waiting for the pain to pass. She hadn't told anyone, not even Doctor Chakwas. She didn't need anyone else to tell her what she already felt. She definitely wasn't herself. Hayley Shepard was dead. She was someone else now.

The Commander turned on the tap and cupped her hands underneath it, allowing it to fill up before splashing the ice-cold water across her face. She leaned her hands on either side of the sink and stared into the mirror once more, watching the water as it slid down her features and dripped off the end of her short red hair. She took a few deep breaths, trying to regain her composure. It wouldn't do for her crew to see her like this. Morale was low enough considering the suicide mission they would eventually have to make against the collectors. The last thing they needed was to see their Commander fall apart, especially seeing as she had just recently been put back together. They didn't need to know how strange this was for her. How would she even explain it? No one would understand. After all, how many people had been brought back from the dead? Shepard still couldn't get her head around it. And neither could any of her friends. Two years of her life just..._gone_. Meeting Joker, Kaidan and Tali proved that even those who had once been closest to her were having a hard time accepting her now. To be honest, she was having a hard time accepting her self.

The faces of her former friends appeared in Shepard's mind then. To say they had been shocked to see her would have been an understatement. She couldn't blame them though. Joker had no doubt told everyone she had been, to use his word, "spaced" after the original Normandy had been destroyed by the collectors. How do you react then when that same person appears before you two years later, very much alive? Tali had at least been a little more accepting than Kaidan. She had helped Shepard when she had been sent to a human colony with Jacob and Miranda to find information about the recent collector abductions. Even after learning that she was in allegiance with Cerberus, Tali had helped. But that was as far as she would go. Shepard had invited her to return to her crew on the new Normandy but the Quarian had rejected her offer.

Then there was Kaidan. He had been cold towards Shepard back on Horizon, unforgiving. Initially he seemed happy to find out she was alive again, but after hearing her confirm her work with Cerberus he turned his back on her, declaring her a traitor to the Alliance. Shepard was frustrated. Even after all they had been through together Kaidan doubted her. He had even been in love with her once, confessing his feelings on the Normandy before they took on Saren and the Geth. There was only a place for one person in Shepard's heart though and that was Liara. But that was another lifetime ago (literally). How many more of her friends would turn their backs on her now when she needed them most? Didn't they trust her anymore? Only Joker had proved himself to be loyal still. But how much of that had to do with the new Normandy and being able to fly again, rather than his actual feelings towards the Commander? Everything had changed. Two years was a long time to be gone. Everyone had moved on. Everyone except Shepard.

The Commander squeezed the sides of the sink, trying to control herself. She couldn't shake the doubts from her head though, especially now since she knew where they were heading next. The Illusive Man had informed her that Liara T'Soni was living on Illium as an information broker. Liara. For the past month or so since she had been wakened from the dead, Shepard's thoughts had been consumed with memories of the beautiful Asari and where she might be now. She had played back the nights they spent together, so few and far between that she could remember every single one. According to recent information from The Illusive Man, for the last two years Liara had been trying to find the Shadow Broker. Cerberus was now in a position to help her bring him down and they wanted Shepard to meet her, tell her the new information they had found out and possibly join forces with her in her quest since it linked in with Cerberus interests. It was to Illium, Liara, and another ghost from her past life that they were now heading to.

Although she was eager to see Liara again, Shepard was anxious. The last time she had spoken to her was on the old Normandy before it had been obliterated. Shepard had yelled at her, told her to go on without her while she went to rescue Joker, who was reluctant to abandon his beloved ship as it was blasted to pieces around him. Liara had lingered for a second or two before obeying her orders. The two had fallen in love during their fight against Saren and the Geth. She didn't want to let her go but she couldn't disobey a direct order from her Commander no matter what their personal relationship. Shepard had watched her go, not realising it would be the last time she would ever see her. Until now. She had no idea how Liara would react to her recent revival. Would she reject her like the others had? Shepard still had strong feelings for her but what if Liara had moved on as well just like the others? Two years was a long time to be apart from someone you loved, especially when that person was believed to be dead. Unable to be alone with her confusing thoughts any longer, Shepard wiped her face with a nearby towel and exited the restroom, returning to her private quarters.

Suddenly there was a knock on the bedroom door.

"Commander?" It was Yeoman Chambers. Shepard seated herself at the small sitting area in front of the massive fish tank and exhaled. She composed herself before beckoning the young woman to enter.

"What's the problem, Kelly"? Shepard asked as Kelly made her way towards where she sat. The Yeoman observed her carefully.

"Are you alright Commander?" she asked concerned. Shepard cursed inwardly. Her worries must still have been apparent on her face.

"I'm ok," she replied firmly, "Take a seat, Kelly. You have something to tell me?"

Chambers sat down opposite the Commander. She paused, observing her carefully, clearly unhappy with the Commanders unconvincing answer to her question. Shepard knew that Kelly was there more so to evaluate the crew rather than be her assistant, but had explicitly told the Yeoman that she was not to evaluate her. Still, Kelly found the Commander to be too intriguing a person to ignore and had secretly been keeping her eye on her, more so out of personal interest than a professional one. The woman was a legend after all. Even so, Chambers kept her concerns over the Commander's behaviour to herself. Though she seemed troubled, Shepard had made it clear that her business was her own.

"Yes Commander, I just wanted to inform you that we will be reaching Illium soon," Kelly replied. "Dr T'soni is aware that you will be arriving and has paid your docking and entrance fees."

"Thank you," Shepard replied. She felt herself get a little nervous again at the mention of Liara's name. "Please notify Kasumi and Jacob. Tell them to get their gear."

Kelly got to her feet. "Of course Commander, right away...Oh, and one more thing." Shepard looked up. "Joker said to tell you 'Good luck'."

Shepard smiled at Joker's words. She knew he was referring to the pending reunion with Liara. The look on Kelly's face told the Commander that her Yeoman also knew what they meant. What did she expect though with a few former teammates on her new crew? Not to mention all the background work Miranda had done on her due to the Lazarus Project. Gossip was sure to spread about her personal life, if that was indeed what you could call it. Sometimes Shepard felt like she didn't belong to herself anymore. It seemed like everyone knew so much about her while she was left to fumble in the dark. Was there any essence of her left which wasn't shared out among everyone or held up as some kind of symbol of hope? For such a private person, people sure seemed to know a hell of a lot about her. Guess when you die, your secrets die with you...literally. Then the whole Galaxy finds out about them.

"Tell Joker thanks from me. I'll be down soon, Kelly. I just need a minute," Shepard said, getting to her feet. Chambers nodded and left the bedroom, entering the elevator to return to the CIC.

Shepard reached her arms in the air and twisted, stretching out the few kinks in her body. She rolled her right shoulder a few times, trying to get the blood moving again and then went to her armor closet. Picking out her black N7 suit, Shepard then began to take off her casual wear. The Cerberus Commanders uniform dropped to the floor at her feet in a heap. Hayley looked down at her naked body, inspecting the signs of wear and tear gently with her slim fingers. Her skin was still deathly pale, almost transparent. She felt recycled, as though her once well-preserved form had carried out its expected days effectively and was then being forced reluctantly into another existence against its will. Shepard chuckled slightly as she began to put on her armor. She would love to hear Yeoman Chambers have a go at trying to psyche-evaluate that self-analysis. As Shepard changed she couldn't help but think about Liara once more. Would things be awkward between them? Or would the things between them not even exist anymore to allow them to be awkward? Shepard didn't know what to think right now. The only thing preventing her from feeling like her life was spiraling out of her control at the minute was the deep feelings she still held for the Asari in her synthetic heart. It was the only thing inside her that made her feel human still. Her body may have been partly man-made, but her soul was still hers, her thoughts, her feelings, her desires. Only time would tell if it would be enough though. If it wasn't, Shepard knew that she would become nothing more than a Cerberus puppet. No better than EDI, a Cerberus-made AI. There was no way she would let that happen though. The fate of the Galaxy depended on her. This had to be enough, otherwise they were already doomed.


End file.
